Distractions
by Thel
Summary: Jack is worried that he’s getting old. His team is distracted and they’re not helping… in fact… are they hitting on him?


TITLE: Distractions  
AUTHOR: Thel  
EMAIL: kethe@hotmail.com  
ARCHIVE:  Sure, knock yourself out.  Just let me know where to find it.  
FEEDBACK: Please.  Good or bad, bring it on.  Here, or by email.  : )  
CATEGORY: An attempt at humour.  Misunderstandings and distractions.  Conversation and evasion.  
SPOILERS:  Don't think so.  
SEASON: any  
RATING: Gen… with warnings.  You may assume things that are not necessarily true.  grin  There is no ship, there is no slash.  whistles innocently  No, really.  
SUMMARY: Jack is worried that he's getting old.  His team is distracted and they're not helping… in fact… are they hitting on him?  
STATUS: Complete  
THANKS TO:  Petty.  I realised retroactively that this plays off the theme she used in "Size Matters".  
AUTHOR'S NOTE:  Just an attempt to see how badly you can misunderstand each other.

- - - - -

"And that's how you see me?"  Jack sat at the commissary table with a thump, joining Daniel, Teal'c and Harriman.  Daniel was absently spooning yoghurt into his mouth while Teal'c had an assortment of fruit.  Everyone else got grapes and oranges but Teal'c, for some unknown reason, always managed to land a collection that included mango, melon and even, on one notable occasion, kiwis.  Harriman was ignoring his danish as he concentrated on his magazine.  Sam had a cup of tea,  and Jack had snagged a cup of coffee.

"Sir?"  Carter attempted to evade Jack's question.

"Oh, come on, Carter.  You heard what she said."

"Sir, that was an alien culture."

"Meaning what?"

Carter looked sideways at Daniel, hoping for some help, but he remained silent.  She took a breath and tried again.  "Respectfully, sir, meaning that maybe you shouldn't put too much stock into how they see you."

"Carter, she called me 'old'.  If we'd stayed there ten more minutes, we probably would have moved on to 'decrepit'."

"Sir."  Carter opened and closed her mouth.

"And I noticed none of you were quick to step up and defend me."  He waved his spoon at the group, none of whom would meet his gaze.

"Sir, like I said.  It's an alien culture.  We didn't think anything of it."

"You just didn't disagree."

"Colonel… you know we don't see you like that."

"Oh really Carter?  How _do_ you see me?"  Jack's voice was annoyed, but underneath it was a tone that said he was just needling Carter.

To her credit, Sam tried to come up with a good, neutral response.  "Uh… well, sir, you know we all think that…  uh… well, it's that we see you as…"  She shot a look at Daniel, but the other man was staring at his yoghurt.  "You know we all think you're…"

Daniel chimed in.  "A stud."

"Ri-  What?"  Sam's eyebrows shot up.

"Daniel?"  Jack turned to the archaeologist.

"I agree, Daniel Jackson."

"What?"  Now Jack's eyebrows went up.

"Teal'c?"  Sam squeaked.

"A stud."

"You're right, Doctor Jackson.  I should have seen that ages ago.  It's so obvious."  Harriman was scribbling madly on his magazine.

"Harriman?"  Sam and Jack said in unison.

"Yes, sir?"  Harriman looked over at Jack first, since he was the ranking officer.

"A stud?"  Jack tilted his head.

"Yes, sir."

"Well, it is kind of obvious when you think about it, Jack."

"Daniel?"

"Obvious?"  Sam's eyebrows went up again.

"Carter?"  Jack took offence.

"Uh, sorry, sir.  It's just that…"

"What's the next one?"  Daniel broke in.  Sam and Jack both turned.

"Daniel?"

"The word puzzle.  Last clue was, 'Ornament consisting of a circular rounded protuberance; An upright in house framing or; Adult male horse kept for breeding'."

"A stud."  Jack replied automatically.

"Obviously."  Daniel nodded.  "So, what's the next one?"

"I'm going to…  um… going to go ahead to the meeting."  Sam gestured over her shoulder and ran before Jack could continue his line of questioning.

Harriman scanned his magazine, tracing his finger down the page.  "Um… here it is.  'A high steep river bank; Pretence that your position is stronger than it actually is or; A poker strategy'."

"Bluff."  Jack all but snarled as he pushed his cup aside and stood.  "Daniel, Teal'c… we have a meeting."

- - - - - 

"Alright, SG1, you have a go for the mission.  You depart tomorrow at 0800 hours."  With that, Hammond nodded to the assembled team and stood.  They were silent until he departed, and then Jack turned back to Carter.

"You were saying?"

"Sir?"

"Well, you were giving me your reasons for your, shall we say, less than enthusiastic defence of my abilities back on P2Y-988."

"Jack, I think you're exaggerating slightly."  Daniel sighed as he spoke.  

Carter took advantage of Daniel's distraction to flee to the refreshments and pour herself another cup of coffee.

"Daniel?  I've been meaning to talk to you.  'In our culture he's not considered…'."  I really like the pause there, Danny-boy."  He made a circle with his index finger and thumb, the 'a-okay' sign.

"I was trying to come up with the appropriate word, Jack."

"The word was 'old'… as in 'Jack is not old'.  How many languages do you speak, anyway?  Did we lose that one little word?"

"I did tell them you aren't old."

"Eventually!"

"Jack, it's done.  I wouldn't worry about it."

" 'I wouldn't worry about it.' "  Jack mimicked.  "I noticed nobody was calling you old."

"Well that's because…"  Daniel trailed off, realising that he had just stepped smack dab into a minefield.

"And there's that pause again."  Jack gave a shake of his head.  "Because what, Daniel?"

"The truth of the matter is, you're not…"  Daniel took a quick look around at him team-mates.  "You know.  I mean… look, Teal'c is more than twice your age."

"Oh, so I just look old, is that what you're saying?"

"Jack, you do not look old."

"Uh huh."

Daniel rolled his eyes as he got up and joined Sam.  She poured him a cup of coffee.  "No, you don't.  We all think you look…"  He paused.

Jack opened his mouth to comment when Carter stepped in.

"Hot."

"Carter?"

"Wow… yeah."  Daniel looked back at her and nodded.

"Daniel?"

"I neglected to mention this earlier."

"Teal'c?"

"O'Neill.  Siler came to me earlier and spoke of this.  I forgot to mention it."

"Siler now?"

"Oh, that's right.  I forgot about that."  Daniel took another sip of his coffee.

"Wow.  It's incredible.  He really did a good job with the coffee maker."

"I know."  Daniel and Carter were shoulder to shoulder as they left the room, chattering.  "I was so sick of that lukewarm stuff they kept in here.  This tastes almost fresh-brewed."

Teal'c bowed to Jack as he followed behind the scientists, leaving Jack gritting his teeth silently at the briefing table.

- - - - -

The team was now in the gate room preparing for the mission.  Jack shrugged as he shouldered his pack, cornering Teal'c.  "Okay… do I look younger than Braytac?"

"O'Neill.  I fail to see why you harp continually upon this subject."

"Harp, Teal'c?  I'm not harping."

"Indeed, you are.  Daniel Jackson explained to me at great length the meaning of 'harping upon'.  Having learned this definition, I can now state with some confidence that you are indeed harping upon the subject."

"Daniel?"

"Jack?"

Daniel looked up from where he was fussing with his side-arm, and met Jack's stare with a blank one of his own.

"What are you teaching Teal'c?"

Daniel's mouth dropped open and he looked from Jack to Teal'c and back.  Before he could reply, Jack held up a finger.

"Never mind.  Teal'c, we were discussing something."

"O'Neill, we were discussing nothing.  You made a comment and I responded."

"Sir."  Carter gathered up her courage.  "I think maybe we need to move beyond this."

"Carter?  Are you suggesting that I am fixating on this?"

"Well, you did call me at 4 AM to ask when I first noticed you going grey."  Daniel muttered.

"And you hung up."

"Jack…"

"Daniel… you're pausing again."

"Sir."  Carter tried again as Daniel shrugged and spoke to Teal'c instead.  "We all know that you're…  That you…  Well, it's just that."

Jack spread his hands.  "And I'm…?"

Sam tried to play to his strengths and compliment his self-confidence.  "Sir.  One of the things that I, actually, that we all appreciate about you is that you have a firm, healthy…"

"Johnson."  Teal'c finished.

Sam paused for a moment before turning beet red and looking down.

Daniel turned back to Teal'c.  "You saw…?"

"I did indeed, Daniel Jackson."

"Where?"

"Right here in the gate room."

"When?"

"Now."

"What?"  Jack looked down quickly and then back up.

"Where?"  Daniel's eyebrows went up.

"Where?"  Jack echoed.

"Next to General Hammond."

"What the hell are you people talking about?"  Jack finally exploded.

Daniel turned to regard the General standing by a MALP, now frowning in Jack's direction.  

Daniel's mouth formed a perfect 'O' and then he called out.  "Sergeant Johnson?"  When the woman looked up, he trotted over to her, holding out a notebook.

"Sergeant."  Jack couldn't quite disguise his relief.  Then he frowned and turned back to Carter.  "Wait, what were you about to say?"

"SG1, you have a go."  Hammond called out from beside the ramp.

Jack turned as Carter all but sprinted up the ramp to avoid the question.

- - - - -

"Colonel O'Neill."

"Doc."

"I hear there was a little excitement on P2Y-988."

"No… not much excitement."

"A staff weapon wound to the arm not very exciting anymore, Colonel?"

"Ah, you know.  Same old, same old."

"So, I assume you're going to stop teasing Daniel about his inability to duck."  Janet flicked her light in Jack's eyes.

"Well, let's not get hasty."

"Hey Jack."  Daniel leaned against the end of the bed, hands shoved in his pockets and his head down.

"Daniel."

The archaeologist looked over at Janet.  The doctor quickly got the hint.  "Looks like you'll live, Colonel.  The staff weapon barely grazed your arm."

"Gettin' old."  Jack sighed.

"Oh, not that again."

"Speaking of which…"

"Oh, not _that again."  Daniel rolled his eyes._

"Sir?  Janet?"

"Hello Sam."  Janet smiled at the other woman as she and Teal'c came into the infirmary.

"Carter."  Jack grouched.  "We have to talk."

"Sir, I really don't think this is the time-"

"Oh, you got somewhere else to be?"

Daniel and Janet stepped aside so that Daniel could fill Janet in on the saga.

"Sir, I really don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this?"

"Well, I didn't see anyone calling you 'old', Carter."

"But you're not old, sir."

"No, Carter, I'm not…"  He made a long, deliberate pause and gestured futilely at Daniel.

"Daniel didn't mean anything by that, sir."

"Uh huh.  So the fact that the lot of you have been avoiding the question since then…"

Daniel shuffled in place.  "Jack, nobody is avoiding anything."

"Really?"  Daniel gave a slow nod, wary of a trap.  Jack's eyebrows went up and he spoke in a conversational tone of voice.  "Daniel?"

"Yes, Jack?"

"Am I old?"

Daniel chewed on his lip for a moment before responding.  "Jack, I'm an archaeologist.  It's not old to me if it's under 1,000 years."

"That is avoiding the question."

"Colonel, okay… With all due respect, sir, we need to put this behind us.  For once and for all, we do not think you are old.  In fact, I can't tell you how happy we all are that… you know… that you're…"

Janet stepped into the pause, calling out from across the room.  "Anatomically correct."

"I thought so."  Daniel turned to Janet and nodded sagely.

"Indeed, it is the best thing for a young woman."  Teal'c put his hands behind his back.

"Well, it's the only way to learn.  What's the point otherwise?"  Janet shrugged.

"Well, Captain Lila Samson has mentioned how much she liked Teal'c's."

"It was but a small thing."

"Small, Teal'c?  Don't sell yourself short.  The way Lila was going on about it, it was huge to her!"

"What?!"  Jack was unable to say anything more.

Daniel held up a box.  It was labelled 'The Visible Dog'.  It was a model of the insides of a dog.  "They had several varieties of these things.  Teal'c got Lila's daughter the 'Visible Fish' for her birthday."

"Cassie thinks it was a subtle attempt at sarcasm, by the way."

Daniel frowned while Teal'c eyebrow went up.  There was a brief break while the men processed.  Daniel got it first and grinned quickly.  "Ah… the fish she can dissect.  The Goa'uld.  Clever."

"Indeed."  The barest hint on a smile touched the corner of Teal'c's mouth… the equivalent to hysterical laughter for the Jaffa.

" 'Anatomically correct'?"  Jack was still processing.

"Well, they had a few kinds.  Some of them are a little more… squeamish.  They don't make them fully, um, correct."  Daniel made a motion with his hands.

"So, I just got off the phone with Cassie asking her which she thought Lila's daughter she'd prefer.  They go to school together."  Janet tilted her head at Jack.  "Sorry, Colonel, I interrupted you.  You had a question?"

Jack slid off the bed gingerly.  "Ah, you know what?  I don't think I do.  I'm fine.  Really.  Think no more of it."  Without any further words, he put his uninjured hand up and bolted.

Sam, Teal'c, Daniel and Janet watched the door until their fearless leader was out of sight.  Finally, Daniel spoke.

"So, who gets to tell him that we received word from P2Y-988?"

"You did?"  Janet asked.

Carter smiled.  "Yeah.  Apparently their leader was kind of embarrassed by her social gaffe about the Colonel's age."

Teal'c took over.  "She sent an apology."

Janet's jaw dropped.  "She did?"

Daniel smiled.  "Apparently there's a lot of bias in their culture against youth.  She wasn't sure that Jack was old enough to carry out diplomatic relations."

Sam finished.  "In fact, he's still too young, but given how offended he was, she wanted to make an exception to the rules."


End file.
